Mon
Sep
20
So I’m about to sit in a class with a no computer and cell phone policy and try to stay awake while I listen to things that I already learned in high school. Fun stuff… If i could skip this class I would but the quizes that she convienently places on every day of class prevents me from doing so.
Sometimes I wish people could just read my mind. Not all of it just enough to let people know how i really feel without me having to say it.
No I don’t hate you.
Please finish talking sometime today, I have other things that need to be done.
Somebody stole my heart, can you help me find it?
My hand feels really heavy, can you hold it for me?
Mon
Sep
6
When i was little i had to be in bed by 8 o’clock sharp. No if and’s or but’s about it. But there were times when I couldn’t sleep at all. On these nights I would wait for my father to tuck me into bed and then, after I was sure he had gone back into the living room downstairs, I would sneak out. I didn’t go hang out with friends or go to a secret hiding place, at this point in my life I didn’t have either of those. No, I would venture out of my room and sneak over to the staircase and sit on the step that was just out of view of my parents. From there I would just sit and listen.
I liked that feeling. Listening to someone talk when they have no idea that you are there. It was funny, I had always assumed that my siblings and I were the only thing that my parents worried about but on those nights I learned that my parents were just normal people too. They laughed, joked, and talked about the news. So for one hour of the night I could see how my parents acted when they didn’t have to care for three screaming children.
I have long outgrown sitting on my steps and listening to my parents. I stay up much later than them and often make every effort to avoid my mother and her endless banter. I see my parents for a few hours each week.
Things just aren’t the same.
Tue
Aug
31
Who is he?
I have no idea. Actually that’s a lie.
He’s the guy who sits three rows over and two seats back. He’s the one that during roll call memorizes your name just in case you ever decide to talk to him. He’s the one that holds the door for you even if it means standing in the rain or heat or cold. He’s the one that no matter if you call at six in the morning, late at night, or during a snow storm arrives to talk to you and actually listens. He is not very attractive, mediocre at best, but he more than compensates with his wit, personality, and sense of humor. He’s the kind of guy that would never ask anything of you but would do anything for you.
Before you go thinking I’m talking about myself, I’m not. I may be in that situation but I am speaking out for the others. The ones that are just as lonely as I am some nights.
Think about it, repost this if you’d like, but it’s just something that needed to be said.
Sat
Aug
28
College rocks, so do friends, and so does meeting new people. I think i discovered last night that I don’t know who I want to spend my time with. I need to find another job, clean the parrot crap off of the carpet in my room, and get shit done with my group for Informatics… I’m so busy! Oh I also found out i have a Black cousin named Brooklyn!
Mon
Jul
27
I always tell people that they shouldn’t be insecure and that they shouldn’t wish for things that are in their control but i seem to do the exact thing that i warn them about. I hold all of my insecurities and fears in so that everyone believes that i am a strong and inpenetrable fortress. I’m not. I am human and i look in the mirror sometimes and wish i was someone other than myself. I wish i could settle with someone, anyone but i can’t i am picky and i don’t know why. Why do i deserve to be picky? I want to be with someone who i am attracted to and who makes me feel great for who i am and every time i think i find anyone remotely close they don’t feel the same. I wish every night that i had someone to share my heart with. I’m sure there is someone out there for me but how do i find them… They say it is better to loved and lost than to never have loved at all and that is so true… I have never loved and when i think about it i feel oh so lonely. I will move on with my life and who knows how things will turn out with her and i wish every night that things work out but part of me thinks it wont. Is it so much to ask to be happy?
kikikarma:
stop being faggots and seriously just tell me the truth.
cause i know someone told another person and i know you all say you’re good at keeping your mouth shut but you really arent.
so who told first?
Okay so 150 characters isnt enough to answer you. Girl you know that you can tell me anything and i will not tell anyone just try me. And if you know that other people have let you down before the only thing i can think of is that you tell them because you want other people to know you just dont want them to know that you want them to know. If that makes sense… I love listening to you and any time you have a problem just text me or call me and we can drive around for hours and talk about it if you want you can have a section of my brain that you can keep all of your secrets and no one will be able to get them from me. Talk to me :)
Tue
Jul
21
I see all this stuff that people are going through and i keep thinking that really stinks. I wish I could do something but the more i inject myself into the situation the more people become angry at me. But maybe that is a good thing because if they are angry at me then they won’t be angry at eachother… I have been a scapegoat my whole life with people. People see that i am open and charitable and take advantage of that fact. None of my friends now do but they have in the past. You guys have treated me better than any of my friends ever have. You make me feel as if I am the most popular guy in the world. You invite me to go places and get excited when i say yes. It’s a great feeling that i wouldn’t trade for the world. I wish these problems would go away… You guys make me laugh more than i have with any other group of friends and you do it in a way that no one else is offended or hurt. I love you guys… Ben, Kirsten, Courtney, Julio, Alex, and yes even you David no matter how quirkey you are. You guys are a blast! Look at me… I’m practically in tears about this… I can’t type anymore….
Wed
Jul
8
I took a walk again and thought about what to write here because it has been way too long since i posted a thing.
I don’t like to wait for things in life. Let me elaborate. I don’t like to wait for things that i am unsure of the outcome. Say i’m waiting for a ride at an amusement park i know that eventually i will get to ride that ride. But i don’t ever think i could ever invest in stock. To put money into something that could collapse at any time seems like too much of a risk for my taste. Needless to say if i am faced with two paths, one foggy and dark and the other slightly clearer and the outcome visible, i will choose the one that i can see where it’s going. Not knowing what is going to happen is a fear of mine. I am always in control and make sure that i never let situations i am in get out of control. I never want to hurt people and most of the times i don’t know when i am. That is why i ask for honesty from my friends, it may hurt but i become a better person from it.
The truth may sting but lies consume you. It’s hard to say sometimes but the truth may be the better option than letting the lies that you live consume you. The day that they do you are no longer a person you are one big lie and it is hard to come back from. I don’t want to say that lies are bad because not all of them are. But if you are living your life by lieing you are only hurting yourself and the people around you.
This is not directed to any one person its just i have seen a lot of people that are letting lies consume them and it is killing me. Just remember it all starts with being honest with yourself. You can’t expect to be honest with others if you can’t be honest with yourself.
If this makes you angry good please do something about.
Thu
Jul
2
I should really get some sleep… I have gotten less than 4 hours of sleep for the last 4 days and it is taking its toll on me. The entire month of june is behind me… It makes me sad to think that my last summer of high school is half way over. I say i am glad but to tell you the truth i don’t know what i feel. I can never explain my emotions… They haven’t invented an emotion that fits what i feel some times. What I feel is a mix of nothing with a little bit of something along with a blend of confusion. Well, i’m gonna sleep this off.
Wed
Jul
1
righteousben:
it seems like everything has changed
nothing is the same anymore
i just realized that my worst fear is change
i wont be able to handle leaving this house and going away to college
making new friends
a new area
a new lifestyle
its fucking scary
i dont even want to turn 17
You are right Change is scary. It takes everything you thought you knew and throws it upside down. The only thing that i can say is that all change isn’t bad. Making new friends, trying new things, and going to cool places are all changes that take place but they are good. You shouldn’t be scared though. Change is like a train the only way it can hurt you is if you try to stop it or lay down on the tracks. Acceptance is key you may not like the change but it needs to happen in order for you to grow, learn, feel, and love.
